My Beloved Ezri

I am heart-sick. My wife and I have had to put our cat Ezri to sleep. Her health had been failing for some time and finally, after a long medical battle, it was the right thing to do.

Those who know me well know that I am a cat person to my core. I have always had a love for these animals and seemingly, they have always held great affection for me in return. I’ve been known to say, if I could charm women the way I can charm cats, I’d have enjoyed high school a lot more!

Ezri was a cat like no other that I’ve known. She came to me as a stray and all indications were that she’d experienced a tough life before hers with me started. While she was accepting of me from the word “go,” she was scared of all others for years to come. She was the gentlest soul that I’ve ever encountered. Never once did she lash out at me or at another. When my wife entered our lives, it was a real turning point for Ezri. Having another person around constantly, one who treated her kindly and respected whatever boundaries that Ezri set, did wonders for her confidence. Those boundaries quickly evaporated and Ezri began to emerge more and more in the company of others. While never the Jedi Knight of kitties, that she was so emboldened cheered my heart to no end.

Ezri was a short-hair calico. She came into my life weighing over nine pounds and departed yesterday weighing only just over three. She had the odd habit of sitting facing a wall rather than the open room. She viewed the ceiling fan in our bedroom as an enemy and guarded us fiercely against it. She had the cutest paws, with more fuzz between her pads than any other cat I've encountered. She often slept below my wife's feet on our bed and I'd often wake up in the morning with her on my chest. Not one to be a Clark Kent, she would stretch herself out while laying down, paws and head out front, tail extended to the rear. We called it her "Superman Kitty" pose. She would sit for hours near a window with two bird feeders installed just for her as "cat porn." It also put her in the afternoon sun, which was a sure bonus. She loved drinking the water from our cans of tuna and preferred any source of water to her normal water dish. Indeed, she would go so far as to perch herself on the pail that we keep in our bathtub to catch for our flowers the water as it warmed. She'd be bottom-up with her head eight or ten inches down into that thing, keeping her balance God only knows how and not wanting to miss a drop. She was the scourge of moths in our home and a steadfast lap warmer during my geek-fest video game marathons. She was named for a Star Trek character. She was beautiful inside and out.

I loved this cat without reservation. She was a true member of my family. Intellectually, I know that she did not love me as I did her. Pet owners have long had the tendency to turn an animal’s sense of devotion and familiarity into humanized love. That is what my brain tells me. In this case, however, I’ll stick with my heart’s label of “love” thank you very much.

My time with Ezri was among the greatest gifts that I’ve been given and in a way, she was responsible for my relationship with my wife. I spent much of the decade prior to finding my wife as – for lack of a better term – a broken human being. Ezri, with her never-ending devotion and acceptance, helped to heal me. Rather, perhaps, she made it easier – made it acceptable – for me to heal myself. Without that mending, I know for a fact that I would not have been in an emotional state such that I would have been accepting of a relationship with anyone, the absolutely wonderful women who is my wife included. I love Ezri for many things, but I revere her for that.

The most important thing that I will write for you the reader here today is my demand that, if you do not already have one, you prepare a living will. This was very likely the hardest, most torturing decision that I’ve had to make thus far in my life. If contemplating euthanasia for a cat provides this level of anguish, I can’t begin to imagine the level of hell that exists over the question of euthanasia of a human family member. Setting aside the protections to yourself that such a document brings – which are significant – it is the protections for your loved ones that I am most concerned with here. Anything – anything! – that you can do to guide them and to lessen their sense of overwhelming guilt will be among the greatest gifts of your life to them. Do it now!

I prayed the night before we took Ezri to the veterinarian that I hoped that there is a heaven for cats. I told God that heaven wouldn’t really be heaven for me if it didn’t include them. That is true. The last thing that I said to Ezri as she died in my arms was that I loved her and that I was sorry. That is true, too.

Thank you, Ezri, for the gift of your life with me. May God provide you with an endlessly sunny, warm lap and lots and lots of loving pets.

July 25 2007